Hey fright fans, the Dr. is back with another one of my Top 10 lists. I’ve heard your pleas for more lists and I am here to answer the call; house call, that is. Since the dawn of filmmaking, heroes and villains have always been fighting. Throughout the years these characters have used many different ways of beating, mutilating, and killing their enemy. Sometimes basic guns are used and other times it can be an extravagant weapon that doesn’t even exist in the real world. The following is a list of the wonderful weapons that are used in fighting. While compiling this list, I noticed something: Schwarzenegger films always have the best weapons. Now…on with the list!

Sub-Zero’s Goalie Stick - The Running Man

This sumo wrestling reject is dressed head to toe as a goalie, but with an added bonus; his stick is a custom razor-sharp blade. Instead of using a wooden stick, Sub-Zero wields one that has been cast from metal, which he uses to, uh, cut the competition. It can slice through human flesh like cheese and cut a chain-link fence just as easily. He can also shoot pucks that explode on impact. I wonder why the puck doesn’t detonate when he hits it with the stick. I guess in a Schwarzenegger film, anything’s possible.

Jareth’s Bulge – Labyrinth

OK so maybe this isn’t one of the coolest weapons. But it is very powerful. Powerfully disturbing. Not so much a violent weapon, but more of a mental disabler. Jareth’s Bulge is used to frighten and control everyone in the Underworld. Just a glimpse of that crotch sends goblins hiding. So when Sarah finds herself face to face with the Goblin King, she can only accept his offer to attempt to solve the Labyrinth and rescue her baby brother. Jareth’s Bulge is downright terrifying. And this is a children’s movie!  What were the filmmakers thinking? That Bulge could give you worse nightmares than Freddy ever could. Now you know why Hoggle was scared shitless of Jareth. At Hoggle’s height, he had a perfect vantage point of that crotch.

Plasma Caster – Predator

Using his bear hands, the Predator could kick the piss out of anyone and everything. Unfortunately for his prey he also has numerous high-tech weapons at his disposal.  Among his armament is the Plasma Caster. This shoulder mounted energy weapon is used to destroy whatever the Predator feels is a threat. The Plasma Caster also has a triangular laser rangefinder used as a targeting system. In the film, the Predator uses his shoulder mounted cannon to kill mercenaries with ease and precision. Jesse Ventura’s character gets his chest blown wide open by the Plasma Caster. It leaves a whole the size of a watermelon and conveniently cauterizes the wound for easy clean up.

AUTO-9 - RoboCop

Probably the sweetest semi-automatic pistol in any movie, RoboCop’s AUTO-9 keeps the trash in Detroit from ruling the streets. Robo’s gun fires three-shot bursts creating a mini explosion from the barrel. Other films load their heroes with as much artillery they can cram into the scene. This cyborg cop doesn’t need all that. When Robo manhandles the drug makers at their factory, he makes short work of the entire place with his handy AUTO-9.  The best part about the AUTO-9 is the fact that when Security Concepts, Inc. created Robocop, they built a space in his thigh to act as his holster. This brings new meaning to the phrase “concealed weapon”.

Ash’s Chainsaw Hand – Evil Dead 2

Let’s just say, for arguments sake, your hand was possessed by evil and you needed to lop it off at the wrist. Unfortunate…yes. Painful…yes. But maybe you could work this sad situation back in your favor. That’s what Ash does in Evil Dead II. By taking a modified chainsaw, Ash mounts and clamps it to his severed wrist. With the most famous extremity in horror film history, Ash carves up any evil he can find. Come on, how bad ass would it be to have a chainsaw for a hand? You could pick fights with whomever you wanted. Groovy. 

Proton Pack - Ghost Busters

In the film, the proton packs, designed by Egon are used to catch ghosts. It works by firing a stream of energy that allows a wielder to snare a ghost, holding it in place so it can be positioned above a trap for capture. Sure, these weapons are only used on ghosts, but in the film, you can see the amount of destruction they can do to any surrounding. Even Dan Aykroyd’s character suggests shortening the stream so his face doesn’t get burned off. But they sure are super cool looking. And they have that big and bulky 80’s nostalgic feel to them. If you ever get your hands on one of these, and plan on bustin’ some poltergeist, remember – don’t cross the streams. We don’t want a “total protonic reversal”.

T-1000 – Terminator 2

Yeah, The T-1000 isn’t really a hand-held weapon but it can morph into weapons. The T-1000 is basically one big killing machine. From a possible future, this walking weapon is sent to kill John Connor. The liquid metal T-1000 can emulate anyone or anything of equal size. This is an ideal disguise for trying to hunt someone down. In addition to this, the T-1000 can form solid metal shapes, such as knives and stabbing weapons. Why don’t we have these yet? I’m sure the US government has some alien technology they can use to create an army of T-1000’s. Come on Obama, Get on it.

Freddy’s Glove – A Nightmare on Elm Street

One of the most famous horror icons also has one of the most famous weapons. Freddy Krueger’s glove is as alluring as it is menacing. The film opens with Freddy in his boiler room, creating his iconic glove. It’s a basic leather glove but the added bonus is 4 razor sharp blades soldered onto it. Most murders use axes and knives but Freddy wanted to be a bit more creative and decided to use his metal-claw fetish to slice and dice teenagers at will. If I saw a badly burned guy with a clawed glove coming after me, I hope I’d be dreaming…wait, maybe I should be awake…either way I’d be screwed.

M56 Smart Gun - Aliens

When James Cameron went the Army route in this sequel he knew what he was doing. When marines are sent down to LV-426 to exterminate some xenomorphs, they bring the heavy artillery. The Smart Gun is basically a handheld machine gun. It’s mounted to the soldier’s waist and is connected to a Heads-Up display on the user’s head. The Heads-Up display is a targeting system that shows where the gun is aimed. It is also equipped with a motion-sensitive auto-tracking system, capable of autonomous and accurate targeting of moving objects. Got that? The M56 Smart Gun packs some serious heat. When the aliens first ambush the platoon, the tandem marines, Vasquez and Drake, show us the awesome firepower the weapon can unleash. Just another bug hunt.

Lightsaber – Star Wars Saga

You knew this was coming. The lightsaber is by far the coolest weapon in movie history. First of all not just any clown can have one. You must posses the power of the force or are taught by a Sith/Jedi in order to wield one. The lightsaber is essentially an energy blade that can cut through anything, with ease. If you are lucky enough to control the force, you can also use the lightsaber to deflect laser blasts or anything else thrown at you. In addition to the destruction and power the lightsaber has, it also has an aesthetic beauty most weapons don’t have. They come in different colors and make a really cool sound when turned on. Oh, and it’s obviously not as clumsy or random as a blaster.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 7th, 2008 at 11:18 pm and is filed under Top 10 Lists. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.